end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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