If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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