So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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