Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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