I have demons in me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
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So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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