Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
