I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
