You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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