I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
