I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
