So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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