Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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