So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
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I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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