apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
