So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
