You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
