i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
