I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
