Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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