Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
