Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
