you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
