she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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