she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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