hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Operation Purity has been aborted
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
