The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
