R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
