The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How does it feel to date your dad?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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