u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
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I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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