his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
