on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
