So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
