I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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