As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
