There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
