my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
