My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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