I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
