I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
