i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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