your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
