Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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