there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
