i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
