I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
