I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
