i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
