I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
