either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
