I puked a lego.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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