I wannas sexs uuuuu
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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