So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
