You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
