God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
