On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
