Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was confusing and full of hummus
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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