I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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