He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
